The countdown is on - I'm 98% certain she's leaving Friday. I will be celebrating, privately and quietly (I know where to get wonderful single-person sized cakes, though they are expensive enough to be an occasional treat rather than a staple), and spending as much time away from the house as I can until then. She sent me some nasty message that put me in a really awful mood this morning, but walking Delta and Sofi together - even though there were dozens of loud leafblowers throughout the neighborhood and lots of dodge-the-dog, as Sofi is reactive - walking them put me in a better mood and I have a few shows that are just really great at getting my mind off of things now. I might need therapy later but this works for the time being
I can sleep through the night (well, I'm back to my "sleep four hours, wake up thirsty, drink water, go back to sleep" pattern anyways) and my body is working mostly right again. Breathing is still iffy sometimes but I think that may be remnants of pneumonia + the awful heat and humidity popping out of nowhere. It's not painful or debilitating anyways. Should get a doctor's appointment at some point to be sure, but it can wait for now.
I just don't understand why she doesn't get that I don't want to interact with someone who does nothing but criticize, guilt trip, and attack me. It's a huuuge mystery to her apparently ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "I got zero support from you" gee, when literally every conversation I tried to have with you, no matter how nice I was, ended with you yelling at me...I wonder...why that could be.....it got to a point where I had to chose between "supporting" her and being able to like...exist in my own skin without crying constantly and having panic attacks whenever I heard someone walking through the house. I chose my own health. I still have what I can identify, thanks to dog training nerdness, as a negative conditioned emotional response to music played out loud, since she refuses to use headphones and is constantly playing music. My heart starts up a rapid panicked beat when someone drives past me playing music with their windows rolled down, or when I suddenly notice ambient music playing in a store. I'll work on this with chocolate once there won't be further negative experiences to undo my work.
But! She leaves soon, my nice bras and dresses (that she keeps "borrowing" even though I've forbidden her from wearing my clothes, since she didn't respect my "ask before using" rule) are over at Sofi's house, safe as can be, and I have shelter from her until then.
48 hours
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)