Why do men HAVE to have their own way all the time

[BCMumto3]

My OH is determined I cant have a another dog , for no other reason than he doesnt want a 4th , he says three around the house is more than enough ... but he's barely even here , basically he's a workaholic , he comes in at tea-time, goes to bed after tea and gets up at 1am for his night job , then goes straight from that job to his day job , he does that 6 days a week ... sundays his only day off , and sunday/monday his only nights off
(he's nuts as far as im concerned but he loves it and was doing this when I met him)

This routine used to bother me but it was bearable when my Daughter and Grandkids lived here , now they've moved I realise how alone I am and how much time I have to fill

Its not him who looks after the dogs , trains them , etc , though he does now pay for food and vets bills so I definately need him to agree to having a 4th , money def isnt the issue by the way , we can afford a 4th dog

we're in a deadlock ... I really want a 4th and he doesnt ... its causing rows cos as far as I can see its just him being selfish and wanting his own way whereas with me it is something ive always wanted (4 dogs) and he knows that

I even gave him an ultimatum the other night during a row , lose the night job so we get to spend more time together or let me get my 4th dog
Now he's sorting out leaving the night job , but in all honesty id rather have the dog

[luvmydogs]

If your husband has always worked those jobs and likes doing it then he may be just trying to call your bluff..I would bring up all the ways your going to want to spend time with him now that he will be home...Make sure it involves lots of things he doesn't like to do..He may start rethinking things and change his mind..Then presto he went back on his word and you can now have your 4th dog..By the way I think it's funny that you would rather have the dog..I bet the majority of people on this board feel like you do..and I'm one of them..

[Mattie]

I went and got a part time job so I could pay for the food and vet bills etc.

[Sarah83]

I even gave him an ultimatum the other night during a row , lose the night job so we get to spend more time together or let me get my 4th dog
Now he's sorting out leaving the night job , but in all honesty id rather have the dog

In all honesty maybe it's time to take a good hard look at your relationship then if that's how you feel. As for him being selfish and just wanting his own way, he could be thinking the exact same thing, you're being selfish by trying to force him into agreeing to have another dog when he doesn't want one.

Why is it so important to you that you have 4 dogs? Why is he so against having another dog? There must be a reason for it since he doesn't seem to be against you having dogs, just against having more than 3.

[Fundog]

Oh dear. I'm about to change this subject from having anything to do with dogs to a marriage counseling session. Firstly, I don't think you should "bait" your husband or try to "railroad" him into allowing the fourth dog. That is not a good idea, especially if you do value your marriage at all. (If you don't really have a good marriage, and would really rather not be married anymore, then so be it-- regardless, I find that honesty is a much better way to go than manipulation). Instead, you need to drop the ultimatums and sincerely try to find out why your husband is against having another dog. Do point out the fact that he isn't home and has very little to do with their care. I know that border collies are very furry, and leave enough hair around the house to start a wig factory. Imagine how your "wig business" could expand with a fourth dog! But in all seriousness, if you really would like to spend more time together, and he is seriously considering giving up one of his jobs to spend time with you, take that as a huge compliment to just how dedicated he is to your marriage-- he is giving up something he enjoys to improve your marriage. I suggest you start making a list of all the things you've forgotten you used to do together, or have talked about doing that you've never done because he was working too much, so he doesn't say: "Okay, I quit my other job, and I'm home; what would you like to do this evening?" And you not have an answer ready.

[BCMumto3]

Thanks for the replies

we arent married , neither of us wanted to bother with that , we've been together over 16 years though
The last comment about prefering the dog was a bit of humour , lol
we actually have a fantastic relationship , all our friends/family think so , we are very compatible in the way we think (usually) , we never go to bed on a row, even when one or both of us is still annoyed we always kiss and say goodnight , thats something my Mum always told me to do , even swallow my pride and be the one to apologise , whether I was in the wrong or not , if needs be , as a row isnt worth the hassle it can cause
whichever option he chose in my eyes I would be the winner , id either get more time with him or my 4th dog

My whole bugbear about this is he isnt giving a reason ... other than he doesnt want a 4th ... he knows its something ive always wanted , from the start of our relationship I told him I wanted 4 dogs ... but I couldnt as he already had a year old border collie when we met and Buddy was very dog aggressive ... so I gave up my dream of owning 4 dogs for Buds sake (he was 15 when he passed , my sweet boy)

If he had a reason then id try and see things from his way ... but him just not wanting it isnt good enough when he knows its something ive wanted for years

[Fundog]

Oh yes, I see your point. I'm sorry if I made you feel criticized or judged in any way-- that was not my intent. It's good that you have a positive attitude, seeing the situation as a win-win regardless of which way it goes (either another dog, or he dumps a job). Good for you!

[BCMumto3]

You didnt make me feel like that hun , I appreciated your response

[Noobs]

Do you suppose he might still be mourning Buddy but not wanting to say so?

[BCMumto3]

I know he still misses Bud , of the two of us im the sentimental talkative dreamer and he's the practical silent realist (We are total opposites but we bumble along quite nicely , lol)
I do talk about Bud to him , and its obvious he misses him as much as I do but he totally adores Toffee (Toff is Steves fave , he's always loved the red and white BC's) , and while he calls Gypsy 'the *****' , he says it jokingly and its obvious he thinks she gorgeous , when he goes to bed she curls up on his pillow with him , or tries to , lol ... Teddy he likes cuddling up to , which is good cos thats Teddys fave thing after a tennis ball , lol

He absolutely does adore these dogs , which is why im stumped as to why he doesnt want a 4th , as I said, he hasnt given a real reason ... and its that more than anything that is bugging me

[Mattie]

Bill never used to give reasons either and this made me very annoyed, he wouldn't talk about it either which made it worse. If they won't give reasons or talk about things then there isn't a lot you can do. This is why I went and got a part time job, he then didn't have the excuse of the added expense.

When we first got Samantha it was him that wanted her, he was away all week and wanted me to have a dog, she was neurotic and hyper active, I also had 3 children under 6 and a 2 year old colt to deal with. When we moved to Yorkshire he was home every evening and couldn't cope with Sam so gave me an ultimation, dog or him. As he had left me with her then this, I told him it was Sam. My reason for this was I couldn't pass a dog like her onto anyone else, she would have gone from pillar to post and eventually be pts after having a hard life. If she was to go he had to take her to the vets to be pts, he wouldn't do it so he stayed and so did Samantha.

If he is prepared to give one of his jobs up so you don't need another dog, then his reasons for this must be very strong, he really needs to talk about it or this will just escalate, he may resent giving his job up and you make come to resent him for not letting you have another dog.

[BCMumto3]

i've said how about getting me the pup as a birthday and xmas pressie combined ... thats what he did when he got me Gypsy ... but he said no

Just talked again ... he brought the subject up ... he isnt giving up his night job , but he is willing to take one afternoon a week off

I basically told him where to shove his one afternoon
then he acted all hurt like I was being unreasonable
I honestly dont get men and the way they think

[Mattie]

I honestly dont get men and the way they think

That is because they are a different species to us lovely ladies, it is so much easier to deal with dogs, even those with problems.

I think it is time you opened a bottle of wine and box of chocolates and keep them to yourself.

[Fundog]

Oh, good one Mattie! I'll admit-- I have a tendency to pick up a chocolate or two in the check-out line at the grocery store, then scarf them in the car on the way home so I don't have to share.

[josie1918]

Ya know, you ladies' OH's are very very lucky. My OH is a workaholic too, so I figure what doesn't concern you is none of your business , when he was in Iraq, I got 2 of my dachshunds,(I was not dog shopping they just happened to come to me)
When he got home he yelled, scolded and grumped, (I have selective hearing, so tuned it out ) within 2 days he fell in love with them and that was over. The shepherd he ranted and raved about for another 2 days, I told him if it really botherd him go stay with his mom. (I DO NOT intend this to be marriage counseling ) Any hoo, the point is he has adjusted, loves the stuffing out of them, and all is well. (Please no suggestions for training me, I am beyond hope )